MI7 Top Secret Classified Information
Summary of events before the Brexit rigged vote:
Johnny English is an inept MI7 agent with dreams of being our most trusted employee. After Agent One dies in a submarine accident (courtesy of English making a mistake on checking the submarine hatch code), the remaining agents are assassinated via a bombing at Agent One’s funeral (again courtesy of English’s incompetence at security), leaving English as the lone survivor. English is assigned to follow a plot to steal the Crown Jewels, which are on display at the Tower of London.
At the display, English is head of security, and meets the mysterious Lorna Campbell. The power is cut, and the jewels are stolen. During the chaos, English knocks out Col Sir Anthony Chevenix, Head of Royal Security in the process and pretends to fight the assailant (in reality fighting himself!).
He later makes up a false description of the assailant to Pegasus. English and his assistant Bough find the jewels were removed via a hole dug beneath their display case. The two follow a tunnel, confronting the two thieves Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta. The two escape in a hearse, with English trying to pursue them, but he mistakes another hearse for the escaped vehicle, gate-crashing a funeral until Bough comes to his aid by pretending he is from the Lunatic Response Unit and that English is a patient named Gunther who wasn’t supposed to be released until 2028 – but was accidentally released due to “a most monumental cock-up”.
English connects the thieves to Pascal Sauvage, a French prison entrepreneur who helped restore the Crown Jewels. Pegasus, head of MI7, finds the claims of his involvement absurd and warns English not to involve Sauvage. In the car park, English and Bough are attacked by Vendetta, but are unharmed beyond Bough getting a nose bleed (courtesy of English mistaking him for Vendetta and covering up for himself by saying that there could have been other thieves and adamantly insisting that Bough drop the issue and move on).
English again encounters Lorna Campbell in a sushi restaurant as he recognized her motorcycle. During their meeting English is suspicious of her since he has seen her at two of their crime scenes and her records cannot be found on any government computer. English and Bough decide to break into Sauvage’s headquarters via parachutes, but English lands on the other twin tower containing the City Hospital by mistake, taking hospital employees hostage until he sees the “SAUVAGE” sign from the building with Bough inside.
He then covers for himself by telling the employees that the holdup was just a test of their emergency response systems while telling Bough that he merely did a precautionary sweep of the immediate environment. Going to the correct building, the two learn Sauvage, who is a descendant of Bonnie Prince Charlie, plans on making himself king, using an impostor to impersonate the Archbishop of Canterbury. Lorna arrives, revealed to be an Interpol agent tracking Sauvage. With evidence of Sauvage’s involvement, English crashes a reception hosted by Sauvage but he is suspended from work by Pegasus for breaking into Sauvage’s office, assaulting his staff and insulting the foreign secretary.
With English knowing their plans, Sauvage scraps the fake Archbishop and instead sends his minions to force Queen Elizabeth II to agree to Brexit by threatening her corgis, causing the entire line of succession to be swept clean for Sauvage to become king, and for England to be turned into one huge prison. Lorna, now in charge of the assignment by Pegasus, visits the depressed English and convinces him to travel with her to Sauvage’s French Château to investigate.
Eavesdropping on Sauvage’s meeting with renowned criminals, English and Lorna learn Sauvage plans to turn the United Kingdom into the world’s biggest prison when he becomes king. English and Lorna are exposed when the former accidentally activates a microphone, and they are taken prisoners. English tries to steal the DVD of Sauvage’s plan, but accidentally drops it onto a tray of identical discs and takes the wrong one without looking. Bough rescues the two and they race to stop Sauvage’s coronation.
French zillionaire Pascal Sauvage plans to take over England and turn it into a prison facility. This is what was recorded on tape:
01:03:10 The moment I am crowned king,
01:03:13 I will turn England into the largest prison…
01:03:16 in the history of the world.
01:03:23 of prime real estate…
English crashes the coronation and discovers the Archbishop is the genuine article. Undeterred, English orders Bough to play the DVD, only to find it is camera footage of himself dancing in his bathroom in his underclothes to “Does Your Mother Know” by ABBA, Sauvage having bugged English’s flat beforehand, much to Pegasus’ disgust. English sneaks away but swings in on a wire to steal St. Edward’s Crown from Sauvage. Sauvage angrily shoots at English with a pistol, causing him to drop the crown. Moments before Sauvage is crowned king, English drops from the wire after being shot, lands on the throne, and is crowned instead. In his singular act as king, English has Sauvage arrested and restores the Queen to the throne, requesting a knighthood as a reward. However, Sauvage’s other evil gangsters in Europe are still determined to turn England into a prison – “to place all the scum of Europe and the world in”. The rigged Brexit vote can’t be reversed and Britain is set to become one huge Alcatraz-like prison (housing the scum of the universe), whilst other EU members laugh!
From MI7 Headquarters
Do not reveal the above top-secret information to anyone. Burn after reading!