Dr. Evil writes to Steve De’ak!

 

Dear Mr. De’ak

 

Should I call you De’ak or “Daaark” like Dr. Fetzer often does? – As in Dark Vadar, or is it Darth Vader? Either way, you’re not quiet evil enough Mr. De’ak! I’m Dr. Evil, and I didn’t go to evil medical school just to be called “mister” like you evidently are. You’ve totally missed the point Mr. De’ak! Throw me a frickin’ bone here! You’re not quite evil enough. You’re semi-evil. You’re quasi-evil. You’re the Mini-Me of evil. You’re the margarine of evil. You’re the Diet Coke of evil – just one calorie, not evil enough. But know this De’ak; I am your father. Woahahaaahhh!! No, not really. I can’t back that up; I was just repeating the infamous line from the Star Wars movie.

 

But REALLY know this Mr. De’ak: Your little quasi-evil mock “9/11 Crash Test” is never going to work as a “tool” to educate and awaken the masses. You say:

 

“I offers the 9/11 Crash Test project in good faith as a good tool to use to get the attention of the slumbering masses.”

 

Dear me ole De’ak, If my frickin’ real Dr. Evil “crash test” didn’t wake the sheeple up, then nothing ever will. Evidently my cycloptic colleague tells me that my “9/11 crash test” didn’t work as planned. Perhaps I should’ve also used frickin’ liquid hot magma and space beam lasers, with frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads! But Dr. Judy Wood tells me I already did that too, so what the hell?!

 

Let’s face it De’ak; you’re a frickin’ loooooser, like Austin Powers is a frickin’ loo-oo-zi-zi-er. So ziiiiip it! Zip it real good! Do you wanna have a suckle of my zipple? All this semi-quasi evilness is seriously cramping my frickin’ mo-foe style. You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can’t be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a frickin’ bone here! So now we have a frickin’ quasi-evil “9/11 Crash Test” – so you wanna learn about my evil methods and techniques? You frickin’ wily Mini-Me; you’ve totally failed to learn from your ole man! Why must I always be surrounded by frickin’ idiots?! Look De’ak you had your chance, okay? I’ve already had someone created in my image. He’s evil. He wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. But know this De’ak: if I really was your father – just for the sake of argument (but let it be clear that I really am NOT, okay?), then this would be my song to you:

From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I’d be safe cuz I’d never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn’t speak about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don’t make me too appealing. I’d hoped you’d look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like your dear ole dad, give me love and things I never had. You’d think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But you rejected me, c’est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.

 

Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably move on and get another clone, but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would be inconsolable. But no worries Mini-Me, or should I call you De’ak Vader? Because there’s always a Plan B: I’ve just turned the moon into what I like to call a “Death Star”. The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa. Okay zippy zappy De’ak, does that ‘zip it real good’ for ya? Is that a good enough “tool” for you to awaken the masses, or do you want some more? If so, I hereby demand the sum…of ONE…MILLION…DOLLARS! WOAHAHAHHH!!

 

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