Shocking News: Muslims are actually Jewish!

The latest shocking news to shock the world’s religious establishment is that Muslims are, in actual fact, really Jewish! It all began when a recent street survey was conducted in Israel to determine what the average Israeli thinks of Muslims – with the question being asked: “Israelis: Who is Mohammad for you?”:


As can be seen in the above YouTube video of the survey, many Israelis were reluctant to answer at first, fearing reprisals for airing their true feelings about their religious rivals. However, the common viewpoint on the street emerged that:


“Muslims have very similar religious traditions as us Jews. For example, they all circumcise their males just as we do, and you wouldn’t believe but many even look the same as us … goodness! Anybody might think that they really are us! Oh no, wait, please, heaven forbid, let it not be true!! Hell no!!!”


When the results of the survey were finally revealed to leading Muslim clerics, it caused shockwaves amongst the more thoughtful ones. Many began to question the supposed “totally Islamic” practice of circumcision, as its Jewish roots became more and more apparent to them. Upon deep reflection, the Muslims then discovered that, in actual fact, the ritual of circumcision had absolutely no religious basis at all with true Islamic teachings. For example, there were no historical records of the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), or any of this close family, ever having been circumcised at all at any time. Furthermore, many Islamic clerics stated that such a brutal ritual was utterly condemned by the Holy Quran – arguing that it’s just the jealously of Satan which seeks to alter God’s perfect creation. When presented with clear irrefutable Islamic evidence against circumcision – because traditionally “there shouldn’t be any compulsion in religion” and so compelling a child to the pain of circumcision was against the fundamental tenets of the faith, many Islamic scholars sank into deep despair with melodramatic periods of self-denial, or utter confusion. Some went as far as literally burying their heads in the sand – even more so than they usually do when presented with 9/11 truth that casts them as victims of a worldwide, ruthless false-flag conspiracy. One Muslim, who wished to remain anonymous, stated mournfully:


“… the Muslim ummah (community) may, one day, live with the shame of being falsely accused of many outrageous false-flag events like 9/11, but how can any God-fearing Muslim ever hold their head up high with the knowledge that they’ve been bamboozled – for so many centuries – with the mindless bloody and utterly wholly Jewish practice of male ritual circumcision… it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a Muslim to accept that they’re actually Jewish by religious ritual tradition!”


News of the shocking discovery later reached Hollywood, of all places! Actor and comedian Jim Carrey made light of the findings declaring:


“I’ve always known there to be something rather sadistically satanic and deeply disturbing about infant male genital mutilation – aka ritual circumcision, that’s why I helped make the movie “Horton Hears A Who”. It’s really all about standing up for the rights of little people – ‘cause a person’s a person no matter how small – that’s the motto of the film. And what could be a more worthy cause than preventing your child from being ritually made into a Jew with circumcision. Even the “wrath of Farrakhan” on the Starship Enterprise can’t escape that one fact alone. So beam me up Scotty! There’s life Jim, but not as we know it! But seriously, frankly speaking, I blame the leading Islamic clerics of the world – ‘cause surely, if a satanic Hollywood society can clearly see the evil in infant ritual circumcision – even by it’s very own ridiculously low-life barbaric pagan standards, then surely Muslims should’ve also have known that too?”


Carrey’s sentiment was echoed by the famous Islamic singer Yusuf Islam – formerly known as Cat Stevens, who stated that all the royalties from his song “The First Cut Is The Deepest” will now go to preventing children from being circumcised against their will by their sadistic, mindless, religiously fanatical parents.


Nevertheless, many Israelis welcomed the news that their Islamic rivals were in actual fact Jewish. One prominent Israeli rabbi said that he was looking forward to the day when Jews and Muslims would finally unite as one – in much the same way as Christianity and Islam have recently merged as “Chrislam” – perhaps with the city of Jerusalem being renamed “Jew-Salam” or “Jew-Is-Islam”.


However, fanatical ISIS leaders vowed: “It’ll be a cold day in hell before we ever let THAT happen!” They further declared that they’d rather become “total eunuchs”, than ever concede to the fact that they’re in any way linked with the “Jewish infidel”. Unfortunately, many were forced to do that very thing, when it finally dawned on them that ISIS was a wholly Jewish run terror group – with an acronym that stood for the “Israeli Secret Intelligence Service” (aka “ISIS”). When deprogrammed from their Israeli propaganda brainwashing, many ISIS so-called ‘Muslim’ leaders vowed to live “as eunuch Christian monks in perpetual repentance until Judgement Day!” – to recompense for the shame of what they’d unknowingly become. When questioned as to why they couldn’t just revert back to being real Muslims, they blandly stated:


“Well we can’t just go ahead and bloody-well do that, now can we! Oh no, that would be far too much of an arduous task. After ages upon ages of evolving into being the Jewish enemy, one must slowly emerge from impurity into the pure, and we imagine Christianity is the next best thing to the real purity of Islam, otherwise, failing that, we may as well try a spot of bloody Buddhism instead then shall we!”


At press time, rumours had spread widely in the Vatican that the Pope was actually Jewish with an identity-crisis!


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