Dear Mr. Duff,
I wish to apply for the vacancy of Hairy Spy at “Veterans Today”. The job comes highly recommended from one of your former employees by the name of Dennis Cimino. He states that V.T. is the greatest presstitute spook house ever known to exist on Earth. Therefore, this is just the right job for me, as I hold all the necessary qualifications and experience for the position.
I was recently made redundant due to the high level of nuclear radiation in the sea after the recent Fuk-u-shima nuke disaster. I used to guard the Dajjal (aka anti-Christ) residing within the Bermuda Triangle sea, until it became impossible for me to do so. Many of our hairy spy kids have succumbed to the nuclear radiation, and are sadly now found washed ashore – as was seen in the news recently:
This is an extremely economically difficult time for me and for the Dajjal, so we could really do with the money of a well-paid job. We have absolutely no morals whatsoever, so we won’t ever shrink from taking George Soro’s bloody money – as perhaps current V.T. employees such as Ian Greenhalgh and Kevin Barrett might do. I’m surprised that Kevin Barrett is still keen to work for your presstitute spook news outlet – because I always thought Muslims were forbidden from all spying activity. The Quran is very clear about this:
49:12: O You who have chosen to be graced with belief! Avoid much suspicion and guesswork. Some of such suspicion and guesswork drag down your own ‘self’. And spy not upon one another, nor shall you back-bite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, you would detest it! Be mindful of God. Certainly, God is Relenting, Merciful.
[QXPv (THE QUR’AN AS IT EXPLAINS ITSELF, 5th edition) March 2012]
I’d much rather work for your V.T. spook house than for any other secret place of espionage – such as MI5/6. Hollywood is trying to recruit me for their next cartoon “Monsters, Inc.” movie, but I don’t like to be depicted as a giant hairy sea-green creature next to a dwarf one-eyed Dajjal. I know that you treat hairy creatures very well because I watched how you lovingly cared for your hairy pet guinea pigs – as featured on your YouTube channel. Job satisfaction is very important to me because I’m seeking a long-term stable carer – because, let’s face it, the Fukushima mess isn’t going to be cleared up any time soon. It’s important that we keep the one-eyed Dajjal safe, especially now that certain rogue U.S. Navy air crew are rebelling as 9/11 truthers.
I will work very hard as a V.T. presstitute, or cheap shill to gain promotion – even though you tend to give student British photographers (i.e. Ian Greenhalgh) – with absolutely zero military qualifications, or experience – V.T.’s supreme job title of “U.S. Military Affairs Expert.”
In my spare time, I would be keen to babysit your pet guinea pigs free of charge. I would also be able to make a hearing-aid for you if needed – using the latest spider-web fine hair fibres available. As you may already know, the hairy spy hearing-aid is cutting-edge technology now employed by the Military-Industrial Complex, and will most likely be featured in the next “Spiderman” Hollywood movie. Did you know that spiders catch their prey by listening to the sounds made through the fine fibres of their web? Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice V.T. spying to deceive – I bet even that Sean Connery lookalike named Steve De’ak (aka Spiderman) will be jealous.
I’m simply the best person to work for your organisation. When the Dajjal is finally defeated by Jesus during the End Times, I will no longer need to be the Dajjal’s pet hairy bodyguard spy. At such time, when even Dajjal Donkeys cease to fly, I intend to then turn myself into a ‘good’ hairy tree – perhaps like that gigantic willow-like mother tree in the “Avatar” movie (aka “The Tree of Souls” – Na’vi name: Vitraya Ramunong ) – the tree that was able to listen to the voices of nature and harmonise with all living creatures, until the cruel/mindless military human freaks destroyed it. Until then, I kindly request that you consider my application for employment at “Veterans Today”, because, let’s face it, you can’t do better than recruiting an Islamic mythical hairy spy creature that guards the Dajjal (anti-christ) – for a notorious Spook House such as yours.
Please contact me at any time (I’m listening as always!) should you require any further information.
I look forward to hearing from you (as always with my big hairy spy ears) again soon.